You rest now little buddy

1998-October 18, 2011

At 2:30 on October 18 my life changed forever. It may sound dramatic to people who don't know me well but it's true. I loved my Spencie. Every day I feel like it's not really true, he has to be coming back to me. I know he's not but I just can't make myself believe it. I can still feel his coarse hair on my hand as if I just petted him. He was always so healthy and I think that is why it is so hard to come to terms with. But I also thank God that he was so healthy till the end. He was sick for 12 days before I had to say good-bye to my baby. The night before he was put to sleep he was able to come home. Asking the vet to let him spend the night at home was the best question I've ever asked. I slept on the floor next to him, holding him, knowing I wouldn't have much more time. I wanted to soak in every-single-detail of him. I pulled his hair back from his eyes and just stared into them. I wanted to memorize his face.

I truly believe that he held on to give me a little more time with him. I spent hours at the vet just holding him and crying and telling him I loved him and how wonderful he had been. After our night together he knew he had given me all he could. I held his face and told him I loved him. That he had been so wonderful. And that he could go now. By this time he was acting a little disoriented and breathing heavy. As much as I loved him I knew I had to give him one last gift of love and say good-bye. Earlier in the day I had been thinking to myself that God wouldn't let this happen on a rainy day that it just couldn't happen on a day like this. Less than an hour later I walked outside cradling my baby and the sun had come out and the sky had cleared a little. I have never had God speak so directly to me and I looked at Rob, as Spencer and I were lightly swinging on our porch, and told him it was time. Rob and I just looked at each other and cried.

I was told on the Saturday morning prior to all of this that he might not make it but of course I didn't believe it. Until the next day. At church our Associate Pastor did the sermon and it was if she was speaking directly to me and I cried during it. She said that she had a friend with cancer and every week for 2 years they got together and prayed. At one point the woman realizing the cancer wasnt going away and that the doctors had done all they could, told her friend (our pastor) to stop praying for her to be healed. Instead she asked her to thank God for all that He had given her in her life and to watch over and comfort her husband and young daughter. She said she had everything she ever wanted so how could she ask for more? At that moment I realized God was telling me Spencer wasn't going to make it through this. I wanted to beg him to make it not be true to please let me have more time. That I needed him. I loved him. I couldn't handle being separated from him. But i knew that wasnt what God wanted. I couldn't "change" God's mind as much as I wanted. I instead prayed the hardest prayer of my life so far. At times I only half meant it. I prayed "God, thank you for giving me Spencer. I love him but I know it is his time. Please take care of him for me. Please give me the strength to let him go." I no longer asked for healing but for both of us to be comforted.

Even thinking of Spencer brings tears to my eyes and physical pain to my heart. I still feel like I can't make it through this grief process but on some level I know I will. It scares me of losing someone else I love. For several days after I realized I had been distancing myself from Kathryn. I was fearful of losing her and couldn't handle the thought but I knew that wasn't really what I wanted. I want to enjoy every minute with her.

I still sob all the time and after we buried him on Wednesday I laid by his grave with my arm over the grave. It made me feel close to him and it was like we were laying there together.

This is seriously the most painful experience of my life. I thought of him as my buddy but he was

also my little baby. I talked to him like he was a person and I believe he understood. He didn't act like a dog at all. Our house feels so empty without him. He was always so loud in everything he did : ) I don't know if I'll ever be able to get another dog. I feel like I'd be "cheating" on him. Also I don't think I could love another dog now. All I want is Spence. I just want to hold him one more time but I know that wouldn't be enough.

I know nothing this side of heaven is forever but sometimes I wish they were. I know that my mind just can't understand that our earthly lives are so short compared with our Eternity with God. I know all this but it doesn't help the pain and my heart still aches. I wonder if this pain will ever go away.

We told Katgryn that Spencer went to live on a farm. That we would miss him but they needed him there. She occasionally says something about "Bencer" which just breaks my heart even though she is fine. A few nights ago she told Robert "'Bencer' is on the farm. They are happy to have him." Yes they are, baby. God welcomed him with open arms and he's playing with all the other animals that we and everyone else has had to say good-bye to.

I buried a note with my little baby:

Well done my little buddy. You rest now. I am so thankful you were mine and that we were able to spend these 10 1/2 years together. I remember the day we adopted you and how frail you were. We weren't looking for a dog but God obviously knew you belonged with us. Who would have guessed in the end I was the one that needed you?

Losing you is the worst pain I've ever felt but I pray to God to help me turn this pain into something pleasing to Him.

I know you are healthy and at peace now and I pray that you are happy. God loves all of His creatures so I know there is a special place for you.

I will spend the rest of my life thanking God for you. I commend you to God, knowing his way is best. God please watch over Spencer for me and wrap your arms around him.

"God will be with us to our journeys end and beyond. He will never leave us and in the end that is enough. What more could we really want?"